Saying
by jane0904
Summary: In TANGLED WEB, Freya told Mal he needed to lay his own ghosts. This is the story of the trip back to Shadow, and some of the consequences.
1. Goodbye

"No."

"Mal –"

"I said no."

"You need to –"

"No."

It had been this way for almost a week. Half-hearted arguments, until Freya walked away or Mal did, each one not wanting to give an inch. It made for an uncomfortable time on board, even during the job on Verbena. At least no-one got shot this time.

In the end Freya enlisted Simon's help.

"No."

"Mal, this isn't doing her any good."

"Then she should stop asking."

"Why not just say yes?"

"No." His mouth was set, stubbornness making his lips ugly.

Zoe tried.

"No."

"Sir, much as you know I trust you, in this case I think you're wrong."

"Entitled to your opinion."

"Sir –"

"No."

Finally Freya turned to River.

"No."

"Need to," the young psychic said. "Need to exorcise your demons. Your guilt. Leaving home, leaving family, never coming back."

"I intended to, albatross," Mal put in. "Never meant to stay away."

"Circumstances conspired against you," she agreed. "But it's time to let go."

"Might as well listen to her," Jayne put in from the doorway. "She's got one of her crazy days on, and you ain't gonna get no peace 'til you do. Worse'n Frey." He shrugged. "Or I could just beat ya up and make that wimp of a man turn us around anyway."

Mal glared at the pair of them, then threw his hands up. "All right! Fine! Tell Hank to lay in a course for Shadow." He gave them one last look then stomped out of the galley towards the engine room, but taking the stairs before he got to where Kaylee was beaming at him.

They could hear him muttering all the way down, and the odd word and phrase filtered up. "… my gorram ship … keelhaul … don't need … wife telling me …"

River smiled widely, and Jayne snuck his arm around her waist, pulling her close.

That night, though, Mal slept in his bunk, not with his wife, swearing the next morning that he'd only meant to put his head down for a moment before coming back to her.

She knew differently, and didn't speak to him all the next day.

"Frey." That night he watched her undress, her swollen body making his breath catch and his guilt grow. "I'm sorry."

"Shiny." She didn't look at him.

"No, it ain't." He stepped into the room. "It was a childish thing to do."

"Okay."

"Gorramit, Frey, you look at me!" She turned, buttoning the top of his old shirt over her breasts, but leaving her belly uncovered. "I'm trying to apologise here!"

"You don't have to go to Shadow, Mal. Tell Hank to turn us back to Lazarus. I can't take this any more." She sat down heavily on the bed.

Immediately he was by her side, taking her hand in his. "Frey …"

"I want you to be free of this. You still wake in the night from the nightmares, and I want you … if I learned anything from those sessions with Dr Yi, it's not to let things fester. Break it open, let the poison out, but don't let it decay you from the inside." Tears welled in her eyes that she blinked away angrily. "And now, with Alex and my mother … the past … what I thought …"

"Oh, Frey." He put his arm around her. "Okay. Please, it's okay. I'll go."

"No, Mal. Not because of this. But because you want to."

He wrapped her in his embrace. "I don't. But you do. So we will." He let her cry it out on his shoulder, just holding her, letting his love apologise for him.

---

Now Shadow was looming large in the bridge window, and Mal was getting his coat from their room.

"This really is not a good idea," he said for the hundredth time, feeling the need to make his feelings plain.

"I'm not coming with you," Freya pointed out, yet again. "I'll stay on board. Won't even have to get inocked, or anything. I'll just be watching from the bridge." She leaned back on the bed, waiting for the ache in her back to subside a little.

"You know, I'd take it as a kindness if you stayed here," he said, watching her carefully.

"Why? I said I won't come out." She smiled slightly. "Don't you believe me?"

"Not that I don't. Though, truth is, I know you." He raised a single eyebrow. "But that ain't the point. You stay here, in the warm, and I'll close off the doors. Make sure you don't get anywhere near anything on this planet."

"I want to see."

"Then look through me. I know you can."

"Mal –"

"You'll be more comfortable." He sat down next to her. "So will I. Knowing you're in here."

"I'm surprised you haven't decided to lock me in the infirmary."

"It crossed my mind." He smiled at her look. "Frey, you can have all the kids in here, 'cause they ain't setting foot on that place either."

She glared at him a moment longer, then nodded. "Okay. I'll stay. For you."

"Good girl." He kissed her forehead, smoothing her hair.

"Mal, coming up on Shadow," Hank said over the com.

"Gotta go." Mal stood up. "Not far, though."

"I know. I just wish I could be standing next to you."

"Me too, darlin'. But you'll be there. I'll be able to feel you."

"That you will."

He kissed her again then strode out.

"Mama?" Ethan stepped into the room. "Daddy okay?"

She held out her arms to him, and he hurried to sit next to her. "It's the planet below. This is where he was born, but it's not the same anymore."

"He's sad."

"I know."

"Can I cheer him up?"

She kissed the top of his head. "When he gets back." She smiled into his little face. "For now, could you get Bethany to bring Hope and Ben in here? We're going to have some play time."

He grinned, his earlier unease a thing of the past, and scrambled off the bed. "Stories?"

"Probably."

"I like stories," he said, hurrying to his task. "'Bout dinosaurs."

She smiled. Ever since Zoe had given him one of Wash's to keep him amused he couldn't get enough of them. That and Bethany still liking pirates, it was certainly going to make for some interesting tales.

---

Shadow was below them, her dark continent just coming into view. As usual the sight of it made Mal's heart fill with sorrow, remembering all the people he'd known, people who'd meant so much to him, now just dust.

"Where'd you wanna land?" Hank asked.

"Not sure," Mal admitted. "My home ain't exactly there no more."

"Do you think it was … quick?"

Mal put his hand on his pilot's shoulder. "I hope so, Hank. I really hope so."

"So … where –"

Mal leaned over, inputting familiar co-ordinates. "There."

Hank nodded. "Be down in five."

Five minutes seemed to last forever, but was also gone in a flash as Serenity settled into the grey dust, blowing a cloud up around her that fell only slowly in the still air. Mal looked out, not seeing a single remembered feature, just the cold earth and the unremitting sky. He struggled to centre himself, then turned his back on the view. "Give it five minutes then get to the cargo bay." He walked purposefully off the bridge, his back ramrod straight.

---

"Is it … okay? To leave the ship?" Mal asked, letting Simon make the final decision.

The doctor looked at his readings once more. "The inocks I've given everyone will stop any damage occurring, and I'll supply boosters when we get back, just to be on the safe side. But it can only be one hour. Maybe ninety minutes. No more."

"Won't need more'n that to say goodbye, doc."

Simon looked at him, at the pallor that had replaced the healthy tone he'd gained over three weeks on Persephone. "Mal, I –"

"Just make sure everyone's got their shots. Even Jayne."

---

"Kaylee?"

"Got the lower quarters on a separate feed, Cap'n," she assured him, shimmying out from under the main EC control panel. "Soon as the common area door's closed, won't be no air from outside getting in, and when we get back I'll purge the filters double time. No need to worry."

"Not worried, _mei-mei_," he said, the furrow between his eyebrows saying he was lying. "Just making sure."

"I know," she said softly. "You're always taking care of us."

He didn't smile, but there was understanding in his eyes.

---

"Got it here, Mal." Jayne flexed his hands. "Think it looks mighty fine, don't you?"

"It's good. Thanks."

"Kaylee did most of it," the big man admitted. "But I helped some. And it'll last."

"I'm grateful."

Jayne nodded, walking back across the cargo bay to stand next to River, her little hand slithering into his.

Zoe was almost at attention to one side, not saying a word, watching her friend with dark, hooded eyes.

Only now it was time. Pushing his arms into his coat Mal crossed to the door controls and rested his hand on the button. "Give me … just a minute, okay?" he asked.

"Sure, Mal," Hank said, speaking for them all.

Mal let his hand press down, and the inner doors slid open, the ramp descending, and he squared his shoulders. Time.

He stepped down into the dust, little puffs around his feet. He exhaled heavily when he didn't sink in, then shook his head at the thought. Maybe he had really wondered if Shadow would suck him down, take him back into itself. He'd left, no matter what his intentions. Maybe he should have died with the rest of them right here.

It didn't feel like home. The smell was all wrong. Where there should be life there was death, and the scent seemed to cling to him like the dust.

"Cap?" Kaylee came up to him, put her arm through his. "You okay?" She hadn't been able to wait, seeing him with all that weight on him.

"Shiny."

"You know, I ain't too sure Frey was right. Maybe this ain't such a good idea."

He looked down into her face, her usual sunny disposition hidden behind a cloud. "No, Kaylee. She _was_ right. It's been eating at me all these years, and … it's time." He felt an approval, almost as if someone had nodded inside his mind. "Just don't tell her I said so."

Kaylee chuckled. "Figure she knows already."

"Maybe. But there are times I still like to think I'm in charge."

"Yes, sir, Captain!" She smiled for him.

Hank joined them, rubbing his hands together. "It's cold," he said, looking around.

"It's autumn." Mal stared at the hills on the horizon.

"How can you tell?"

"Feels like autumn." He closed his eyes, seeing the way things used to be … the trees by the creek, the road meandering down towards the town. And his mother, her arm shading her eyes as he walked away for the last time.

"Cap …" Kaylee had felt him tense up.

"I'm okay." He dropped his head a little. "Just remembering."

Jayne and Simon carried something out of the cargo bay, Zoe close behind.

"Where'd you want this, Mal?" the big mercenary asked.

"Not sure. Can't rightly tell where the house stood."

River ghosted down the ramp, passing him to gaze out at the desolation. "Over there."

"What makes you think that, little albatross?"

"The hills look wrong from here, but right from there."

"But you ain't never been here before," Kaylee said quickly.

"Saw." The young woman put her head on one side. "In dreams."

Mal nodded slowly. "Guess maybe I do see it in my sleep. But you can tell?"

"Not far." She walked off. The others, sharing a quick glance, followed in silence.

Ten minutes later and Mal knew she was right. The hills had settled into their rightful places, framing the once hidden swells of land. There were the gnarled remains of a handful of burned trees, and the odd stone to see where the ranch house had been, but nothing else.

Simon went to ask where Mal wanted it, but Jayne shook his head, moving forwards. "Here'll be good," he said quietly, like he was in church. They set it down, leaning it against one of the boulders that dotted the place.

Hank was still rubbing his hands, but it wasn't from the cold. "Place give me the creeps," he breathed to Zoe.

"Think what it does for him." She didn't take her eyes off her captain.

Mal had heard, though. "She wasn't here," he said, low but perfectly audible. "He told me. The man as said he'd seen what happened. An Alliance soldier, but he was okay. After we got the news of Shadow being scorched the way it was, the destruction …" He swallowed, his mouth suddenly dry. "Near half a year after it happened. Five months. And he'd got posted to the same gorram camp. Recognised my name. Told me about my Ma. 'Til then I thought she'd … that she'd burned with …"

They could hear the pain in his voice, shocking them all to the core.

"Shadow wasn't safe, but she wouldn't leave. The Alliance knew a lot of Independents came from there, decided to take it, make an example, maybe force some of its sons to come home. She wouldn't be taken. The Feds tried to throw her off her land. She pushed back. That was my Momma: never one to let anyone push her around. Trouble was, someone on the Alliance side was a mite trigger happy – shot her."

Zoe closed her eyes. On the odd occasions when he got drunk, when it all became too much, he'd told her some. About his life, what he'd planned, but she knew he'd never spoken of it to the crew. And never this.

"She … when I told her I'd signed up, she helped me pack, gave me a bag of food as well as my dad's old rifle. Day I left, she hugged me, gave me the ring off her finger for – well, said I was to take care, and come home if'n I could. I told her we'd win, that God was on our side, so how could we lose?" He looked back over the years, walking along the road out of sight. "I never saw her again."

The others stood, waiting. Kaylee was crying softly, Simon's hand tightly in hers, and River was wrapped in Jayne's arms.

"Never got the chance. Six years of fighting, didn't once get home. I think she knew: knew she weren't gonna hold me again."

He turned to the headstone they'd bought in a swift stop at a skyplex, that Simon and Jayne had carried from Serenity. He went down onto his knees in the grey dust, his hands running across the letters Kaylee had used her tools to carve, just as he'd said. They were deep – they'd last a good long while. He felt Freya in his mind, looking out through his eyes, giving him her strength, and nodded just once.

"It's good work, Kaylee," he murmured. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." She sniffed hard, and Simon dragged a white handkerchief out of his pocket, giving it to her. She wiped her face.

"I don't know where they buried her," Mal went on, standing back up. "If they did. But I like to think someone put her in with my father." He nodded towards the back of the remains of the ranch house. "Out there. In the pasture." He looked back down at the headstone. "Good work," he repeated, barely whispering.

_Alice and Ethan Reynolds_, it said. _Beloved mother and father. Together for all eternity. Until another day._

There was no date.

"Mal …" Simon began diffidently. "I'm sorry, but …"

The captain of Serenity took a deep breath and turned, looking at the young doctor. "Guess it's time to go back."

"It would be best."

"Okay." Taking one more look around at what was left of his childhood home, Mal strode away, the slight breeze drying the tears on his face.

---

"Mama?" Ethan grasped her hand. "Mama?"

Freya pulled herself back, the tears flowing down her cheeks. "It's okay," she said, even though she didn't feel that it was. "But I shouldn't have done this."

"Uncle Mal needed to let it go," Bethany said from the end of the bed, Hope and Ben watching, unsure what to make of things.

"But I made him."

"Had to say goodbye." She scuttled up to sit next to her, Ethan the other side. "Had to."

---

Back at the ship Kaylee and Simon were the last to board, and the young woman stood for a moment surveying the decayed landscape.

"It must've been something to see," she murmured. "All green and lush."

"Mal told me once it rained for four months of the year." Her husband put his arm around her waist. "From what little else he's said I think it was pretty fertile."

"Big ranch," Kaylee agreed. "More'n forty hands."

"Wealthy."

"He'll surprise you." She dipped her hand into her pocket and pulled something out, scattering it across the grey soil.

"Kaylee?"

"They're seeds. River gave 'em to me. Seeds from Lazarus."

"_Bao bei_, you know they won't grow."

"Don't know that for sure. Maybe all this place needs is some hope. Maybe if we believe they'll grow, they will."

Simon stared at her, then tugged her into his arms, amazed as always at the wonder that was his wife.

"Kaylee, lock it up," Mal called. "Want to get this air recycled soonest so we can get the little ones out."

"Frey, more like," she shouted back, grinning.

"Maybe," her captain agreed. "Still don't mean you can dilly-dally. Got that job we got to do on Beaumonde, courtesy of your other half."

"_Dang rahn_, Cap'n." She stepped away from Simon, taking his hand and leading him back up into the cargo bay. Pressing the close button, the ramp lifting to hide their view, she squeezed gently. "Hope, Simon," she whispered. "Hope and rebirth."


	2. Hello

It took three hours before Kaylee announced that all the air in the old Firefly had been filtered, and another ninety minutes before Simon was satisfied that every trace of Shadow's pathogens were gone. By that time Mal had changed his clothes and almost worn out the cargo bay floor with his pacing.

Finally Simon slipped the small scanner back into his bag, and leaned over the catwalk railing. "She's clean, Mal."

"Should say she is," Serenity's captain muttered, sliding the door to the common area open. He stopped.

"Shh." Bethany stood just inside, her finger to her lips.

"What? Why?"

"Everyone's asleep," she whispered.

"Oh." He lowered his voice to her level. "They all okay?"

She nodded. "Shiny."

He smiled a little. "You looked after 'em?"

"My job."

"Reckon it is, short stub. You gonna show me?" He held out his hand and she slipped her small fingers into his.

"Yes, captain." She led the way through the common area to the lower crew quarters and the 'maternity suite'. At the door she touched her lips again. "Shh."

He nodded, just standing watching.

Freya lay on the bed, slightly turned away from them, Ethan between her and the bulkhead. He had his thumb in his mouth, his other hand clutched tightly to her dress. Her knees were drawn up slightly, and down by her feet were the two babies, rolled into each other. They all appeared to be away with the fairies.

"Oh, that is so sweet." Kaylee had come down the stairs and now stood at his side.

"Shh, Momma," Bethany scolded. "Wake them up."

"Sorry. But I wanna take Hope upstairs, give her some food."

Bethany's eyes lit up. "Hungry."

"Yes, you too."

"And Ben." Zoe was behind them. "I think we all need to eat something."

"Shh!"

"Sorry."

Bethie looked pensive. "Ethan's hungry too," she whispered. "Just doesn't know it."

Mal stepped into the room and disentangled his son's fingers from the sea-coloured fabric. "Then you'd better take him along too."

"Give him to me," Simon said, appearing in the doorway.

"Thanks, doc." He handed the little boy over, only now stirring a little. "You sure the air's okay now?"

"Positive."

"And I've got the internal sensors tuned to it," Hank added, peering in. "Slightest sign of anything and they'll be wailing like banshees."

"Is _everyone_ here?" Mal asked, good-humouredly, picking up Ben.

"Pretty much," Hank agreed. "Just wanted to make sure the kids were okay."

"Shh!" Bethany was getting cross. Everyone was talking, and there was still sleeping going on.

"She's right, sir," Zoe said, taking Ben from his arms. "We'll be in the kitchen if you need us."

"Shiny. We on course?" Mal asked his pilot.

"Be at Beaumonde in a couple of days."

Mal nodded. "Good. Give us time to plan our little caper."

"No planning required," Simon said, watching Kaylee slip past the captain and pick up Hope, cradling her gently. "In and out. Easy money."

"That's what I like. Plans to go smooth."

"Shh!" Bethany stamped her foot.

Kaylee grinned. "Come on," she stage-whispered. "Let's go get something to eat, okay?"

"Okay."

Mal waited until they'd all trooped up the stairs towards the galley, then turned back to his wife.

"Now I know you ain't asleep no more," he said, in a normal conversational tone. "Couldn't be, not with all that shushing going on. So why don't you look at me and tell me why you're pretending to be dead?"

"I _am_ asleep."

"Really. That's odd, then. I mean, I know you talk sometimes when you're out of it, but that's generally Chinese and obscene. So for you to be making sense is a mite unusual. Permaybehaps I should be getting the doctor …"

She rolled enough to look into his face. "I'm sorry."

"What for?"

"Making you come here."

He sat down carefully next to her. "Is that what you've been crying over?" He touched her cheek.

"How did you –"

"I can smell it, _ai ren_. And I know you. May not be psychic myself, but I know my wife."

"I shouldn't have forced you to do this. I was wrong. It was up to you to decide when you were ready."

"Then I never would've."

"Still your decision." She swallowed hard, and he knew she was fighting back the tears again.

He sighed a little. She had spent years hiding the fact that she cried at all, and it made her feel ashamed sometimes that she could break down so easily in front of him. "Frey, darlin', you didn't make me. Well, yes, you did, but the point is I'm a man. And better yet, I'm captain. That means what I say goes, leastways on this boat. And if I don't wanna do something, then I don't do it. Fought a war on that principle."

"Is that why?"

"Pretty much. Took on this boat for the same reason."

"I thought it was because she called out to you across the lot."

"Yes, that's true. But it was so I didn't have to do what I didn't want to, and being out here in the black, taking jobs as they come, that's pretty close."

She moved enough so she could lay her head in his lap. "I'm still sorry."

"Frey, you were right. I didn't know it, but …" He tried to explain the feelings inside himself. "There's something gone. A lump of something that's been sitting in my belly for the longest time. Didn't even know it was there 'til I left it back on Shadow."

"Maybe I should get our young doctor to be examining _you_," she joked, sniffing loudly.

He smiled, stroking her hair. "Maybe. But I feel better now. Lighter. More … me."

"More you?" She looked into his blue eyes. "So who've I been sleeping with for the last few years? And more important, who's the father of this little girl inside me?"

Mal put his hand on her belly. "Oh, that'll be me. But this is a better me. New and improved."

"I loved the old and inferior."

"Does that mean you need to fall for me all over again?"

"Shouldn't think it'll take that long." Her lips curved. "Seems to be happening already."

"Good." He grinned. "Now budge up."

"What?"

"I want to lie down."

"Oh."

She moved over enough so he could swing his legs up, settling her into his shoulder. Funny how that made him feel complete. He worked the pillow under his head into something more comfortable, and sighed in satisfaction. "That's better."

For a moment there was just silence, then Freya spoke again. "I'd like to have met the young, idealistic version of you," she said softly. "The Mal that left Shadow."

"Hey, I ain't that old!"

"No, no, you're not. But I still would've."

"Not that much different. Not inside. Not the part that loves you." He stroked her back. "Least, not now. There were times when even I didn't recognise myself, what I'd become, but you've put me back together. I might be cracked, scarred, but this is more me than I've been in a long damn while."

"I'd still have liked to meet him. The boy who was going to become a rancher."

"You feel like cradle-snatching?"

She laughed. "No. I like someone with a bit more experience. Like Jayne." She yelped as he pinched her gently. "You were really going to do that? Run a ranch?"

"That was always the plan. Get a place like my Momma's, run cattle, hard and smart." He shrugged. "But things happen, changes you can't see."

"Like wars." Freya paused a moment, listening to his heartbeat. "Tell me about her."

"My Momma? You'd've liked her. And she would've loved you. She was strong, wonderful … and she tried to instil something important in me."

"What was that?"

"Passion. For whatever comes our way. Whether it's fighting the Alliance or … or taking a woman to bed I know damn well I shouldn't."

"Do you still feel that way?"

"That I shouldn't take you to bed? No. The passion … maybe a little." He leaned down to plant a kiss on her forehead. "Mostly with you."

"That's nice." She snuggled closer. "Do you think you'd've had kids?"

"Always intended to, you know, carry on the family name after I'm gone. More'n one, anyway. Never did like being an only child, even if I did have more family out in the bunkhouse."

"Brother or sister?"

"What?"

"If you'd had a choice, would you have preferred a brother or a sister?"

Mal thought for a moment. "Not entirely sure. How about one of each?"

"That's not an answer."

"You want me to be specific?" He grinned. "Okay. But I still say one of each, 'cause a brother is someone you can do things with, and a sister is someone you protect."

"And you can't do things with a sister?" Freya asked, somewhat surprised.

"Well, sure you can, but … Shadow wasn't maybe as enlightened as some worlds. Women were expected to look after the home, raise the kids … although most of the ones I knew didn't take kindly to that," he admitted, smiling. "So what was it like growing up with a brother?"

Freya's smile faded a little. "It was okay."

"Can't have been all bad," Mal insisted.

"No, I suppose it wasn't. And there were times … like when we got into the old Emerson house on their estate, all locked up for the winter. We had fun, running through the place, 'til the caretaker found us, took us home and complained." Her voice dropped to almost a whisper. "I'd forgotten."

He hugged her tighter. "How old were you?"

"Nine."

"And your brother …"

"Was nine as well. Tends to happen with twins."

"I didn't mean that. I meant, did you have more fun because of him, or in spite of him?"

"Well, it was his idea … but I still got the blame." Freya smiled. "Still, it was worth it."

"Good."

"So what kind of things did you used to get up to?" he asked.

"I've told you some."

"I want to hear more. I like it when you tell me stories."

"How old are you?"

She waved away his objection. "It's the pregnancy."

"Makes you childish?"

It was her turn to pinch him. "Tell me."

"What do you want to hear?"

"I don't know. Anything."

"Hmn. Anything." He pursed his lips. "Okay. Well, you talking about breaking and entering, there was this house out beyond the town, and all the kids knew … they just _knew_ it was haunted by the ghosts of a pair of lovers who were discovered by her husband and ended up hanging from the rafters."

She shivered slightly. "Ghost stories. Go on."

"Anyway, it was said that if you managed to get a girl to spend the night with you there, she'd be all … pliable."

"Ghost stories with sex. Interesting."

"You wanna hear or not?"

"No, please. I'm all ears."

"Good. Well, I was sixteen, there was Dilly Fairbrass, and I thought that maybe I could get more than just a handful of …"

He talked softly, telling the tales of a happy and love filled childhood on Shadow, until around about the point when he was explaining how he came to be walking down the main street in a dress, and he realised she was asleep.

He looked down at her, her short hair slightly mussed, her lashes fluttering gently against her cheek, and his heart swelled.

"Don't need no other home, Frey," he whispered. "Only need you."


End file.
